Thursday, August 5, 2010

Thursday Thoughts - It's funny how these things happen

A slight deviation from weight loss per say, but I think this may be a "Jillian Michael's moment for know when you realize what' s been bothering you for so long, you didn't even know what it was.

So, about 2 weeks ago I was having what I will call a "Strong Moment" and I pulled out Aaron's scrapbook with the intention of finishing it. I have been about 8 pages from finishing for about a year and a half. I was having a hard time finishing. How do you scrapbook a death? A life cut short. But I got it out and worked on it. Then VBS week came and I was busy. So last night, after my appointment with my therapist I decided to finish it. It had already been an emotional couple of days for me so I figured I might as well just go for it. August 4th was Aaron's original due date and while I don't think about that date too much, it sometimes creeps up on me.

So, last night I finished....and I cried. I now have this beautiful think that I made that tells the story of his life - and his death - the WHOLE story. I didn't take to time to look through it from cover to cover yet (it was late and I wanted to wait until today to do that), but I know what I put in it. As I said to Josh, it made me realize something. Everything that happened, to me and to him happened the only way it could happen. I did ALL I could do for him, while I was pregnant and afterwards. The doctors did all they could do for him (and for me). The nurses did all they could do. Our friends and family sent us SO much love and support. Everyone gave all they could give. There truly was nothing I could have done. All the guilt, the what ifs....I realized it doesn't matter...never really did I guess (but I think I needed to go through all of that). It is what it is and some really wonderful things have come from that.

Feeling for the first time in over 4 years that I can let go of some of the guilt and start to treasure all the memories that I do have and will continue to have in the future (as we continue to do things to honor his memory). He is not physically with us any more, but nobody can ever take away what I do have. I think there is still a bit of a process, but as I wrote in my journal last night...maybe, just maybe I can start to truly like myself again.

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