What have you done today?

This season of Biggest Loser is the first season I have watched from start to finish and I LOVED it! I will watch this show from now on for as long as it airs. I wish I would have watched the previous seasons. This morning the theme song popped into my head. I am terrible with remembering words and I was thinking it was "What have you done today to make me feel proud?" I wanted to look up the words to the song and it turns out I was wrong. The chorus is :

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

I think it is funny that I mistook the "you" for "Me" and it makes a huge difference. Also, it is so indicative of probably my major flaw. I think I may have mentioned this before, but I am a pleaser...I never want anyone upset with me, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, I want to do what I think other people want me to do, I don't let others know when I am upset (an issue after you've been through a life altering loss) and I don't like to say "no" to people (don't worry I can "Just Say No" to life harming things...but anything else probably not. *my mom will agree with all of the above - I think she recognizes this more than anybody* This mindset makes me worry, loose sleep and has most definitely lead to weight gain for me. After Aaron's death the one thing I did get a lot better at was saying no. I just learned I couldn't do as much as I used to and I think I still do better with that. I pick and choose the things I really want to do and was thinking that fixed the issue, but the whole need to please thing is still there.

Okay, so tangent over and back to my point about the song. I thought the words were "What have you done today, to make me feel proud" when in fact they are "What have you done today, to make YOU feel proud". As I said before it's a big difference. This whole weight loss thing need to be on MY terms, to make MYSELF feel proud. I don't have to do this to make other people proud. More importantly, I can tell people what I can and can't eat and not just eat whatever they set in front of me. I can make the decisions of what I put in my mouth. I'm not going to rock any boats by refusing to eat something or bringing my own food somewhere. I don't have to go out to restaurants with people...maybe invite them over for a game night instead. I may have said all this before, but I feel like I need to keep reminding myself.

Oddly enough a one word misunderstanding may have just given me a major break through. From now on I am going to do something everyday that makes ME feel proud!

My proud moment from yesterday: I ran on the treadmill (alternating walking and running) and then hit the elliptical can got 35 min. of cardio in. Even if I got home a little later than normal, Josh was fine waiting for me for dinner and did not mind a bit!

Getting my mojo back.

So, it's been a lot longer than I have intended between posts. What can I say, it was May. I was in a funk dealing with all the emotions that go along with the late April through early June. I find myself wondering how many years this is going to happen. I guess the answer would be indefinitely. Will it get better? I am sure it will get easier, but it will probably always be there. Starting last week I felt like I was getting glimpses of my "normal" self *insert joke about how NOT normal I am here* After a good night of sleep on Saturday I was feeling like myself again. Josh even noticed right away. It's odd...just as fast as the fog comes over me it can be gone.

I kept the eating and exercise up pretty well throughout the month *dare I say I am developing good habits?*. Of course throw a bout of shingles and a vacation into the mix and it's a recipe for disaster. Luckily, I was only a couple pounds up and it is coming off again *hopefully as I type this*. I've been bouncing back and forth, BUT now I have my mojo back and I am ready to rock this thing. According to my trainer last night this funk may have been well timed. He said after so many weeks going at it hard you body will just need a break and I have had some time off (when I had shingles then followed by 1 week of vacation). Both times I got back into it as soon as possible. Regardless, I am BACK baby!

GAME ON!

Like Clockwork

Well, it all started up again yesterday. It's amazing how I can actually forget what it feels like. My mom reminded me that every year for the past 2 years it starts right around the 15-16. The 16th is when I started getting sick and it seems that my body does not want to let me forget it. It's not like I am in a full on depression my comes in other forms. I get crabby and FORGETFUL!!! That's my first clue is the forgetfulness. Yesterday I left the house sans lunch, purse AND sneakers (which I did not realize until I got to the gym and got changed). At that point I had pretty much had enough of everything and opted to go home and have some "me" time. I know I made the correct decision. I feel MUCH better today.

I am getting myself back on track here and as much as I'd like to eat chocolate and go home and curl up on the couch at the end of the day I am not going to do it. I am going to power through all of this and keep on my routine, because I know I can this year. I don't think I could have said that the past two years - so I guess that is progress.

Weekly Weigh In - Catching up

Okay, so I did not weigh in today (thank goodness)...but I have not posted after my last two. I am slacking I know. So the last two weeks resulted in a 2 pound loss and then a 1.5 pound loss. I am sitting right at 29.5 pounds lost. I was hoping that this week I would hit 30, but I have a feeling Easter may have different plans in store for me. I did really good up until Friday. Decided to take a little break on Saturday and then started getting back on track on Sunday (notice I said STARTED!). Regardless, today I am back baby.

It reminds me of what a previous Weight Watchers leader once said. "It's a holiDAY...not a holiWEEK." But it was HOLY week which could be mistaken for holiWEEK....I digress. I really only had about 1.5 days "off track", but my off track now is a LOT different than previous off track. I used to get off track and head straight for a derailment. Not this time. Full focus starts again today.

Still heading into a very emotional time of year (see Baby on Your Six blog). I have been okay so far, but feel like I am waiting for that major breakdown. It's almost starting to feel weird that it hasn't come yet. I guess that is a good thing. Not that this makes a whole lot of sense to anyone but me (or those that have been there), but sometimes me NOT being upset makes me MORE upset. Ugh! I can't win. But, I am doing this without meds this year and feeling better about myself overall. Hopefully the exercise will continue to be my way to get my emotions out.

Weekly Weigh-In

Well this week was better...much better. I am down 3 pounds and that means I am down 21 pounds total. Yay! So this week I will be posting more again. Last week I was in a bit of a funk and it was partly because OBSESSED with the scale. I mean seriously, any time I was near our bathroom I was stepping on the darn thing. I don't know why. All that does is screw with your head. It is amazing in one day how much your weight can fluctuate. Some days I swear it was 5 pounds or more. I am going to put it in the closet and hide it. I really am.

I really got into this season of "The Biggest Loser" and it is such a great show. I mean those people work out 8 hour a day and the past 2 weeks someone has gained a pound or more...inexplicably. It does not make sense. That is why you need to step back and think about how you feel. I feel better than I have in a long time and I am ready to continue this journey.

Weekly Weigh-In

Okay, so it's a little later than normal. That's because it was not exactly the weigh in that I was expecting. I was up one pound. Which was very frustrating because I worked out as like normal and was good about eating. I was very disappointed...in fact I cried. CRIED?! You may say. Yes, I will admit it. At my appointment, we were talking. See, I had just gotten my...monthly "gift"...that day. We were pretty sure that is what caused the gain...that is what I also believe caused the CRYING. Regardless, by the end of the appointment I was over it more or less and ready to move on to a new week. Looking forward to a better one next week for sure.

What was it this time?

Last week at my weekly weigh-in, we were talking and I was asked what made it different for me this time. I think it could be any number of things. God knows, I have tried this all before. I think first it is that I am enjoying the "BodyLift" program and it is not hard to follow. Secondly, I am going to be 30 and I just decided I am not going to spend my 30's overweight. Third, and perhaps the most motivating at this moment is that I want to try to have another baby. In order for me to feel safe to do so - I want to loose some weight first. (See Baby on Your Six for all the details). Not that I was told to by doctors or anything, but they said that it certainly cannot hurt. I am prepared to do anything it takes to have a healthy pregnancy when the time comes around. Ultimately, this time I am doing all of this for ME. For MY health, MY future, MY appearance. I just want it this time....I really do.

Hitting a diet wall

Anyone that has ever been on a diet knows what it is like when you hit a wall. I think it comes it 2 forms. Either a weight loss plateau or when your old habits seem to want to take over. Right now I am just not quite feeling it. I've been HERE time and time again and this time I am not going to let it take over.

I picture it as an internal battle. It's like your bad habits know that you are trying to get rid of them and they are trying their hardest to stick around. Meanwhile your NEW habits are trying to mark their territory and conquer the bad habits.

HERE'S the difference. Every other time I have let the bad habits creep back...it started slowly, but sure enough they crept back. This time I am committed to realizing this is happening and fighting it. I am guessing it should only take a week or so until the funk goes away. I KNOW this to shall pass!

Why?

On another blog that I read the author was discussing why people are overweight? There were a lot of different answers...one person thought it was a matter of willpower, other people thought food is just a comfort thing. I think that for every person it is so incredibly different. For me I think willpower is part of it. But there are 2 things that I think are much bigger than that (for ME). First, I think a part of it is emotions. I am (hopefully WAS) and emotional eater. Obviously, since 2006 I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Right after Aaron died (see Baby on Your Six), I lost a good bit of weight right off the bat. I wasn't eating much (surprisingly) and I was doing some cardio tapes to work out my stress. I think I lost like 30 lbs. Then I started learning to deal with the depression and out of control feelings and started eating instead of doing all of the good stuff, and *viola* here I am today.

But I wasn't exactly the perfect weight before all of that. I think the reason for that is, I just didn't KNOW how to eat correctly and I hated going to the gym. I ate what tasted best to me and we all know that is really what is GOOD for you. The program I am doing now is teaching me not only what and how to eat but WHY certain things work better etc. Knowing is half the battle. Also, the guy I mean with gives me gym routines (lifting and cardio) and it's working. He is teaching me how to work out. I feel like when I go to the gym I have a purpose rather than wandering around aimlessly.

Phew....so there is my answer...a little longer that I expected, but none the less there it is.

A case of the Mondays

Today was insanely busy at work. Friday was the same way. I was kind of worried about what would happen when my life got REALLY busy. It's when I get busy that I get out of routine. Everything becomes a rush and good habits tend to slide. This is entering a very busy and emotional time of year for me. It is March for Babies season and that always keeps me busy. I am also approaching the Anniversary of Aaron's birth and then death (See Baby on Your Six). I am a little nervous heading into all of this.

So far, these past couple days have proved that even if I am busy I can still make everything work. My eating has been right on track and so has my exercise. So, I can handle being busy. The emotional stuff will be my next challenge I suppose, but I think I can handle it. I am glad I started when I did, because I am hoping before the emotions kick in I have made everything else more of a habit. I am ready to do this!

Weight Loss is Selfish

I have determined losing weight require you to be selfish. That is all there is to it. There really is no nice way to say it. It takes time and effort. You need to be willing to say no to things. No to wing and beer night, no to meeting for coffee, no to working late, etc. Selfish might not be exactly the right word, but it's along those lines. I guess it's called "Taking time for yourself" something I guess I have never been that great at. I always put everyone else before myself. For the first time in a while I am putting myself first, which is why I feel somewhat selfish I suppose. Regardless, I don't care. Call it what you want - I am doing it and people are letting me get away with it. And guess what? Nobody yet has called me selfish.

So, if I say no to something, or show up with my own food or ask to meet you at a later time (so I can go to the gym first), I am not being rude or selfish. I am just taking time for me!

Support

I have learned over the past couple years how much support of family and friends really mean to me. The second Aaron was born (see Baby on Your Six Blog), we had an out pouring of love and support. While he was in the hospital I don't think I ever had to cook, people gave us meals. I could dedicate all my time to him and trying to take care of myself in between. It meant the world to me. The fact that I didn't have to do or think about anything else. People also gave us some financial support - gas cards, Wawa cards, grocery store gift cards...it goes on and on. I was suddenly out of work MONTHS before I expected to be and it was just what we needed. After he passed away, it was a different kind of support, but not a day went by where someone didn't call to check in or mail a card to us or just let us know they were praying for us. It was all of that support that got me through all of it.

Support while you are trying to lose weight is also so important. When I first started this program I thought I would just not tell anyone I was doing it. I have done the same before (and failed before mind you). I decided maybe this time would need to be different. I started telling people or at least key people in my life. My husband obviously, my mom, my sister, mother-in-law, some co-workers and friends. I have noticed recently that them knowing about it and supporting me through this is having an immeasurable effect. They check in with me, tell me that they see a difference (whether they do or not is a different story), tell me they are proud of me etc. And guess what...IT HELPS!

I am very lucky to have the support system that I have and I can do this with their support....I know it!

Weekends

Weekends. Something we all look forward to. A threat to dieters everywhere. Don't get me wrong. I love weekends as much as the next person, however the reasons that I love weekends are the same reasons they can be a pitfall for dieters. Weekends get you out of your routine. You have more free time and no schedule to follow. Great in every aspect except when you get in the grove dieting. The week, at least for me, provides a regular schedule. I have my meals and snacks at a certain time. I get up at the same time every day. I go to the gym at pretty much the same time every day. On the weekend I can still get it all to work, but it just takes more planning.

This weekend I did pretty well, I felt a bit out of sorts and I did not plan ahead as much as I should have for every situation. Last weekend I was actually out of town and felt I did a little better than this weekend. Regardless, as cliche as it sounds I have learned if I do get off track I need to just recognize that and get back on as soon as possible. Bring it on weekends. I am ready for you :-)